wk 6 cfb

After last years Indiana games the most common comments on social media/fan sites were:

No playoff’s now, we need style points, fire Fickle and have him take Ash with him and my favorite – How is this Herman guy a genius? this offense sucks!

Damn buckeye nation we are a spoiled bunch, am I happy? No! Am I nervous, not about the next few games, but looking at that last game of the season – yes! But I’d be nervous about that game if we were winning all these 59-0. I’m not saying they don’t have stuff to work on, but coaching staff has fairly good track record and they have the talent, so let’s hope they get it figured out whilst playing the l1ttle’s of our conference and are ready for the b1g’s! Oh and maybe they buy some fucking stickem for the hands/gloves!

10 pt, okla win – the only thing that could possibly save Charlie Strong’s job is winning this game and well, Elvis (young skinny Elvis, not fat bout to mama cass elvis) had 4 of the top 5 songs in the country last time Texas started 1-4, which they are now and looking at 1-5 after sooners pull the tampon on this red river shootout!!

9 pt, LSU win – I had this as 9 pt game before it was possibly going to be moved to baton rouge, can I have two 10 pt games and just pass on my 1 pt game?

8 pt, Mich win – I really like N’western and think they have a real shot at winning big west, but I don’t see anyone going into the khaki house and beating Jim with defense, look for a 16-0 win.

7 pt, TCU win – was surprised pt spread was under 9 on this game, so moved this down a pt under mich/nw game, something off, but don’t see Baylor/okla/tcu losing to anyone but themselves and hoping they all get one loss in the 3 way and knock out the big 12/10/8 of the playoff’s again this year.

6 pt, WV win - this is game most likely to have me steaming mad on Saturday, but damn it wvu, your at home and ok st ain’t that good now lets make some couch burning, second cousin bare backin, skeet skeeting plays!!!

5 pt, Fla win – Gators back or SEC going to devour itself in the regular season, I’m leaning towards Gator being close to back, actually have a decent offense again (their defense never really got bad, just no no no offense).

4 pt, Penn St win – Really thought about going with Indiana, but generally speaking (as vatech last two years) week after teams get up to play their best against us, they have a let down and frankly are beat up, look for same on early noon game in boring valley and Penn St to pass enough and play defense well enough to get the W. - or for Indiana to hammer them and score at will.

3 pt, Tenn win – I’d really like to make next 3 games all 1 pt games, damn the John Cooper of the SEC went full Citrus bowl last week against bama!! Now remember Tenn blew 13 pt leads in the 4^th quarter against both Oklahoma and Florida (in the swamp) or we’d be saying what in the name of Phillip Fulmer is going on in Knoxville this year? Me thinks they finally get a ‘big’ win at home and Mark Richt gets a contract extension.

2 pt, Vatech win – I got nothing

1 pt, Uconn win – no shitting you UCF is a 2.5 pt FAVORITE  in this game and they are 0-5!! What? That either means Uconn is a terrible 2 win team or vegas is trying to get more money bet on this game or they have insider information that Uconn flew down a crate of condoms to prepare for their teams beach time in whore’ville fla before the game? I have no idea, just weird an 0-5 team being a 2.5pt favorite even if they are at home.

Welp there it is, oh and 1 more thing on the buckeyes – if we don’t curb stomp Maryland like Rosie Odonnel would a mouthy twink this weekend then forget everything I said and start to shit bricks buckeye fans!!!

wk 5 cfb picks

There are new t-shirts being made that say, “The Devil wears Khaki’s” by a local buckeye fan site and I’m not laughing! A storm is brewing, a fire is spreading, and the national opinion of us can kiss my ass! All I will ever care about is that one game in November and for the first time in a decade that team up there has a coach that can win even if we play well and that scares me. So on to the drug that tries to take our minds off the ticking bomb that waits defusing…

10 pt, Baylor win – Well tech should have beat tcu, but me thinks Baylor at home will not be so close especially after a back to back.

9 pt, Bucks win – Yeah I’m a little (lot) nervous about a road game against a good Hoosier team that can score, but looking for road Cardale to return and for our offense to get a little back on track.

8 pt, SDSU win – over Gone in 60 sec’s st

S Carolina @ Mizzu/Minn@Nwest/Ark@Tenn/MissSt@TexAM(both ranked)/asu@ucla/zona@standford or this game, yeah this game, you have a sick sense of humor my friend and I like it, well I don't in this case, but I respect it.

7 pt, Okla win - this is the type of game every year that screws my picks and pisses me off, come on Bob prove me wrong that your not an overrated one hit wonder from 15 years ago.

6 pt, Ole Miss win - if they really are the new SEC top dog they will go into the swamp and beat a not quite there yet Fla

5 pt,  Wisky win – God they better, for crying out loud your at home and if Iowa wins this game they’ll probably just start etching Kirk’s fucking name on the l1ttle coach of the year trophy again. What a joke!!

4 pt, Ok St win, I don’t know fuck hoping the butter is hard and coach crypt keeper gets on the sunny side of the plane? All you need to know about kstate is that’s Ian’s ‘other’ favorite team. You know who my other favorite team is? The losing team at the spring game!!

3 pt, Clem win, so might the never really ever been a big boy be ready to be a big boy? Well if so they ought be able to beat a crippled (where’s your jebus now catholics) ND that is playing amazingly well considering the number of players taking confession on crutches!! Whomever does win this is setting up for a good shot at winning the ACC, wait shit never mind, keep forgetting the golden cowards aren’t really in the ACC, they just wanted to duck sparty and fighting harbum’s.

2 pt, The fighting Munish’s win – I ought have my fucking head examined for thinking the U can go on the road and win anymore, but they gotta start being the U again someday right? Wear better than are other traderous border town, seriously Toledo and Cincy I’d sell to the states they seem to want to belong to for a Fuddruckers reopened in the Columbus (look at me making Ponchot jokes when Ponchot will never read this)

1 pt, Uga win – seriously gone back and forth on this 10 times and thus why my 1 pt game! I mean am I really going to say that the John Cooper of the SEC is going to finally get over and make the playoffs and content for a National Championship? Well guess I am, time to start my free-fall!! (Great Song Mrs. Hines! Two MP jokes in one rant, damn I’m ready for Halloween)

wk 4 cfb

 I’m feeling a themed college picks today for Yom Kippur…

10 pt – You shall not covet, I covet the ass beating that LSU is about to lay on a school that I believe once used to play major college football, but that was 50 years ago.

9 pt – You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor, Tcu wins, cause they’re more Christian? Is bear false witness a hint at keeping your gay in the closet?

8 pt – You shall not steal, Mich wins, no way harbum would steal. I mean I can see him scaring the souls of children in to hiding, but not stealing.

7 pt – You shall not commit adultery, so cal wins, I mean how could this not be my pick – asu and so cal are two of the hardest places in the world to follow this commandment.

6 pt – You shall not murder, ucla wins, I’ll murder me some tight little sweaters off some poppin fake boobies!!

5 pt – Honor your father and your mother, Boise St wins, if my parents couldn’t figure out how to get out of boise I ain’t fucking honoring shit accept depression and alcoholism.

4 pt – Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, Auburn wins, I don’t fucking bowl on the Sabbath I know that much!! Shut up Donny!!

3 pt – You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, Oregon wins, Phil Knight that commandment is bullshit!! What in the name of Steve Jobs is this list supposed to accomplish. For Lee Iacocca sakes this is just getting silly.

2 pt – You shall not make idols, Fla wins, including American singing teenagers and never got to be’s? Soooouuuulll Patrolllll!!

1 pt – You shall have no other gods before Me, UK wins, if I don’t practice how are you going to enjoy it? Giggity Giggity!!

Excuse me, my bus is here, good and night!!!

wk 3 cfb picks

Yes I took a week off, too busy last week, but back at it this week...

Let’s see in high school a one armed kid is about to set school records for receiving, in college a blind kid is going to snap for the condoms and in the pro’s the shitbowl’s are going to start a fucking midget! Way things are going the front runners for president will be an unbearable blowhard with roadkill hair and a women’s right view written by the creators of Mad Men vs a very qualified but impossibly unlikeable cunt! Oh wait, shit, fuck we are so screwed. Oh well, we have football Saturday’s and birthday bj’s to make the other 350 days sufferable.

Before I get to picks, let me know I’m trying to unbuckeye myself on picks and just play the sheets, but again I’m tempted to send El Prez a Edward Snowden pile of stats for the Buckeye game being in the picks this week – what didn’t Fresno St play Cal Poly or something better? Jebus these mac schools scare me, ask Bert ‘making them wish they had John L. Smith back’ Beilama!!

10 pt – Bucks win, it’s still a 34.5 favorite and we are mostly nervous because we only won 38-0 last week so trying not to be all me about this and just trust in Vegas. You know cause that works out so well for people usually!

9 pt – UCLA win, every time we have a BYU game I think – if your religion requires magic underwear and you have an accidental shart – is that blasphemy?

8 pt – Bama win, those missisisisosiisppisispi schools still trying to pretend like they are the new big boys of the SEC or they get back in their wisky/penn st/sparty place?

7 pt – So Cal win, listen you fine little stuck up white sweater wearing cheerleaders at condom U – you get out there sat night and you take on for the team and give that badass blind long snapper some sweet 20 something snapper! Dude can’t see and he is going to snap a ball and hope the other team doesn’t forget he’s blind and hit him like a kid trick-or-treating in Joseph Albert Belle’s neighborhood!! (Too Soon?)

6 pt – LSU win, crazy grass eating Les has a rb that is starting to live up to recruiting hype.

5 pt – Free Shoe win, I love me some Zeke and wouldn’t trade him for anyone, but  kid for the Seminoles is a very very close second – beast!!!

4 pt – GaTech win, 5 FIVE CINCO 5 starters lost for season in 2 games for the domers!! Christ is God a protestant or something?

3 pt – Clemson win, talk about the never get over the hump/live up to hype expectations bowl. I mean I wanted to put clem as like a 7 pt win here because L’ville no Bueno at all, but you don’t put clem that high on a road game.

2 pt – Fla win, Kent ok for a change, but gators got a coach that I think will get things back to where they are used to being, we will see. If so these are the teams that should be relatively easy wins.

1 pt – NW win, could NW win the l1ttle west and be in the b1g championship game? Me thinks they could and so far they have looked very good. A win at Duke would be a surprisingly good win. That’s right Duke is kind of like 3^rd or 4^th best football program in the ACC right now (well if you count ND as an independent).

Ok, that’s it for the week here’s to my dad going perfect in back to back weeks and El Prez putting the buckeye v w mich game in the picks again next week, both of which I never thought I’d see, but happened this week so why not next?

Wk 1 cfb 2015 picks!!

Where to start where to start, well I haven’t blogged shit since the last week of the cfb 2014 regular season/conf championship games? Damn I’m either lazy, busy or uninspired? Probably all 3 at some point, real truth is working in front of computer all day makes coming home and getting on computer not that much fun and playing with a 2/3 yr old is fun – well when they aren’t being a shit head. 

Sad truth is lately I’ve been trying to figure out the Trump Trivia Challenge – when he says he’s going to get rid of all the illegals, does he mean Mexicans (like most racist conservatives) or any Non Native American’s (because he secretly does have a knowledge of history)? I mean I’m not sure where they’d send me, but Christ my liver and stomach ain’t ready for warm beer and sheep stomach stew (remember ladies, the kilt is just about speed in a time of shitting need).

            EL PREZ THIS IS WHERE THE POLITICS ENDS, SKIP TO HERE!!!

Shit I thought I was pretty creative with my ‘what if’ scenario for the first ever playoff in college football, but proof that life is always stranger than fiction need look no further for the best example I can remember in my sports history! The 2002 team will always be special beyond any other because it popped my cherry after way to many sluty teases that never put out in my teen years (yes I’m talking football still). And like most people it was sloppy, not pretty and all over the place, but it got done and after that little taste you only wanted more!! (not bad enough to be Cosby’in chicks but pretty bad). Then you almost get the super model on vacation in Italy (2006) but she has that one drink too many before you leave and you end up with blue balls and vomit all over your shoes. Then the next year you accidentally end up in the wrong room at a frat party with the hot easy Tri Pi that thinks you’re her boyfriend and wants some, only to finish in your pants the second she takes her top off and you just say sorry and leave the room. Then you quit trying for awhile or just concentrate on the 5 two’s are a 10 rule. But one day, swagger comes into your life through chance or timing or enough tattoo’s that people know not to get in your way? Anyhow, you got all it takes and you start thinking I got a plan to go get me a real winner, then the first girl you talk to smacks you in the face, but this is the new you and on you go, make some moves looking good avoiding ‘the friend’ and swatting away any “I’m just here to relax” lines and don’t you know it if you don’t bump into a straight out 10 – a LA to NY runway 10 and she’s got the Long Island Ice Tea smile (Saban) so you take your shot and raw dawg that up and down with everything you’ve ever learned from the internet till she’s back in ma and pa’s trailer with a fly net helmet and a look like how’d that happen!! Then all that is left to do is light up a grit and smoke some duck and enjoy the most full filling season in Buckeye history!! (I’m not sure any of that made sense, but shit I’m almost in tears of joy writing it – cause it happened and to cap teeth tan boy non-the less!!)

Ok, my playoff pics for bonus points –

Ohis St – I mean come on, I’m not saying this is a shoe in like rest of the country, but it is the most likely coming of last year with our talent and our schedule.

TCU – I’ve seen trendy pick is Oklahoma, but man Stoopes get a lot of passes on kind of Coopering some teams in to mediocrity because he got over in 2000. I don’t know, kind of think that Boykin kid will just be more unstoppable than he was last year.

Bama – look we got over on Nikki last year and it was great, but we are doing it cause Urban recruits on level of Nikki and Bama ain’t gonna disappear because of a “bad” season where they “only” went to the playoff semi’s. Listen I hope I’m wrong on this one and they go down wk 1 to B1G and wisky, but they won’t and I kind of don’t want them to cause I like the Bucks being the only on in the L1ttle that can keep up with the SEC. I mean in life Gordon Gecko’s are dicks, but in sports – Fuck Yeah Greed is Good!! Someone should tell the fucking Browns!! Or they can just keep visiting the trophies on the annual trip to three rivers to get beat down by Rapelisburger.

FSU – Ole baseball adage is ‘if you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin’, well my football version is if you ain’t got a few thugs you ain’t got lots of talent. Free Shoe’s U understands this more than most and Jimbo still got him loads of Crab Legs are better when they’re free talent, plus a guy who took ND to the championship game a mere 3 seasons ago before well cheating- I mean fuck he ought be perfect in the south right?

So on to week 1…

10 pt win, Bama – now I lied to a few people and said this was going to be the fighting Harbum’s for the win at 10 because I believe/fear/respect that as bat shit crazy as he is, he WILL turn that program around and sooner than most think (that defense is actually pretty loaded, just the offense is a question because Hoke must have ate any good qb’s they recruited?), but I could not make them my 10 pt winner for wk 1 on the road, just because I fear what he will be able to do in the future. I still will have them as upset pick, but in a more Vegas minded manner. As for Bama,  see what they’ve done in these type of games previously and throw in that wisky has new coach, lost stud rb and bama has got to be butt hurt cranky over last season.

9 pt win, tcu – I’ll likely be cursing defending B1G coach of the year (no I will not get over buckeye coaches getting snubbed for that meaningless award, I want to win even the shitty awards – fuck Kirk Ferentz) when they pull the biggest early season win the l1ttle has had in a long time, but I really don’t think so and nobody else does.

8 pt win, boise st – how in the name of Napoleon Kauffman can the huskies not get it turned around? Beats me? Why won’t Boise St go away? Wish that Peterson dude would get hired by a pac 22 (or however many teams they have now) school like uw and kill two birds with one stone.

7 pt win, Auburn – Was real close to picking them in my playoff 4 instead of bama with home field for the Iron bowl this year, but not sold on their defense being ready for SEC yet.

6 pt win, ucla – they better, I mean the hooves gonna be tired from whatever the medical term is for pussy chasing exhaustion by kickoff in westwood.

5 pt win, Stanford – Speilman said on radio this week he was picking the tree’s to make the playoff’s this year, I know Will Smith has moving coming out about the concussion doctor trying to find test for whatever that brain damage stuff is that makes some former football players cliff dive without parachutes and stuff, but shit picking Stanford might be the first sign? Or he is a genius, only time will tell.

4 pt win, ND – thought about them in playoff, but schedule is hard and until I see their QB play mistake free, just not sure. Now if they can get the talent at qb to play mistake free then watch out they will definitely have a shot at running the regular season, Kelly has recruited very well.

3 pt win, Nebraska – Just getting rid of Special Needs Opie Griffith ought make them better right? How’d a guy that coached up those LSU defense’s forget everything he ever knew about defense just because he became a head coach?

2 pt win, Asu – Again a former buckeye with a head scratcher as Herbie put the Sun Devils in his playoff 4 this year, Did Jake the Snake get another year of eligibility?

1 pt win, That Bum Up North – I mean logically I know that them being better/good is better/good for us (especially if we still beat them), but I’m sorry I still need 10 years of whopping to get healed from my Cooper years and work on a nice in my lifetime record cushioning. My biggest concern is unlike the pro’s where you can coach guys for 10 or more years, in college Jim’s antics aren’t going to wear thin, because by time a player matures enough to not need that intensity they leave and new blood arrives. I can only hope his desire to win what his brother already has pulls him back to the NFL someday. In the mean time, I think Sparty, Pedi St, wisky and the not so black shirts should be on notice – The Big 2 and Little 8 (well 12 I guess) is being reborn circa 2015 (ok well probably starting next yr, cause I’m not sure even Harbum can whip Shane Morris or whomever into a championship qb).

Well crap, someone get that girl a warm towel and he’s not that ugly pep talk, cause I’m finished and that was fun/messy!!

Hoping this is the year my picks go JT and Cardale, just keeping me close till the end when I can shine on the big stage!!

Go Bucks!!

Last week of CFB 2014 picks

Well another year has past, another season Dave has fun (and is a dick that will refer to himself in the third person) and finishes middle of the pack. Sadly time and responsibility (yuk!!) have kept me from giving my in depth prognostications for a few weeks now, but lets see if we can go out on a bang! (Phrasing! Boom! Nailed it!)

Ok, first my never gonna happen, doesn't match my picks, totally wild playoff, watch Ann Arbor burn playoff prediction...

Bama gets upset by Mizzu but in an ugly neither of these teams deserve to be in a playoff game. Then RichRod beats (again) team Nike, then FSU beats GaTech in an ugly come from behind look like crap game (like a lot of their games this season) and finally 'they don't bring us here to play school' finds his inner bowl game Pryor and runs/throws and helps Bucks dominate the badgers! What would you see the committee do? No 1 TCU vs No 4 FSU in the Sugar Bowl and No 2 Arizona vs No 3 OSU in the Rose Bowl! Buckeyes vs RichRod for a spot in the National title game being played in the Rose Bowl as nerves and Budweiser Ray Rice the fuck out of El Prez's liver!! Now that would be some crazy shit!!

But that ain't gonna happen!!

So what will?...

10 pts - TCU takes Iowa St and tries to be the first modern era team to score 100 pts in an effort to say 'please committee don't remember that we are in a crap conference with no championship game'

9 pts - Bama beats the 2nd place team in the SEC west, cause remember Indiana won the SEC west with one very very embarrassing loss for 'SEC Speed'. Seriously Saban will flat kill Kiffin if they don't score 50+ in this game. Let me help Mizzu a bit - FUCKING COVER ARMANI COOPER

8 pts - Baylor beats K St but only because they are at home and no where never impressive enough to get into the playoffs.

7 pts - Marshall didn't go undefeated, but they'll be LaTech, I think, who knows? All I know is Marshall had a movie about their plane crash and Jim Croce died in a plane crash in Louisana. Frankly I love Jim Croce, they should have made a movie about him and his awesome mustache! And I got me a Roller Derby Mama!!

6 pts - Okla be ok st and nobody cares, I mean nobody!!

5 pts - ECU beats UCF because ECU is awesome, I mean they beat VaTech and VaTech is an underrated football team that had a rocky middle of their season, but that people really should consider very talented and NOT AT ALL A BAD LOSS!! Hem Hem, holy shit, sorry I was possessed by Lou Holtz for a minute, thankfully I don't type with a lisp!! Go Bucks!!

4 pts - BGSU beats N. Ill because well I was a Falcon for a little bit and well, every time I went to Detroit or Windsor while there everything I can remember was fucking epic!!

3 pts - RichRod says nigga please to Oregon and reminds them who invented winning with screen passes and almost no defense at all!! (And I can say  that word cause I grew up in the 90's/tan easily/and my wife is from a small town so racist that she was called the real version of that word as a kid for having a good tan - and that last part is true as anything I've ever said on this blog)

2 pts - GaTech finally F's those pricks in there P's and bail's out FSU's joke of a 'honor' policy by beating FSU on the field days before a decision is announced and thus allowing the school to 'up hold it's proud traditions and high standards blah blah blah' hey FSU - I heard Temple just released Cosby from his official duties (duties in the FSU blast? Phrasing! Boom! Nailed it! that's no 2...No 2!!) so why'd don't you see if he wants to come on board? "It puts the ruffy pill in her drink and ... mmm popping pudding ya'll"

1 pt - Bucks beat Wisky, cause dammit I just can't pick them, really 5 yrs of BigTen championship game and we might have it dominated solely by Badgers and Spartans? Fuck that shit, our offensive line is going man up and we are going to run baby run! They might call us Lola by end of the game (anyone get that movie reference?) Or we will get Biakabatuka'd by Gordon and he'll get the Heisman, which will suck but will at least keep Archie as the only 2 time winner. No matter what though (and I asked el prez to remind me of this sat night) we won the only game that matters to me and because of my teenage years will always matter no matter how many swings and misses that school up north takes on the coaching staff.

Ok, that's best I got till bowl names season in a few weeks, hope everyone had a nice 'give us your land and take this booze' day and an even better 'so he's got to pay for that kids entire childhood expenses and his wife is still a virgin?' day!

Veep, El Prez - HELP I HEAR A BUS AND SEE RED LIGHTS!!