wk 9 cfb

That week when you get to pick the games cause el prez be coming home, that’s the week you probably go 2-8 and loose your shit. Oh well, you can’t win what you don’t bet, here goes nothing…

10 pt, Mich wins – ok normally I’d do my harbum thing, but fuck that presser today from Jerry got me taking a serious moment here. I mean that guy’s heart is wrapped in pigskin and he’s just lost, wanted to give him a hug or something. But when he said his mom asked him if he was ok with decision and he just said “no”, well fuck my sappy emotional ass I’d have to put on Field of Dreams to cry like that – “Dad, wanna have a catch?” Ok, I’m gonna take 5 min and then get back to the jokes after I call me pops.

9 pt, TCU wins – This is type of game that can really screw me, but now that Baylor’s qb went all Peyton neck for the season, TCU is sitting pretty good to take care of business, we shall see if they do…

8 pt, Houston wins – Seriously I will keep saying it till someone does it or he shits the bed and comes back to earth, but HOW AND THE FUCK HAS TEXAS OR HELL USC/MIAMI/ETC ETC NOT HIRED THIS GUY LIKE YESTERDAY? (I mean we need to get him at a school that is big time, so el prez can take selfies with him and send them to the veep thus annoying him endlessly)

7 pt, USC wins – That Trojan team that whopped the utes last week is the one some had as a sleeper to win it all and will likely be in the holiday bowl instead.

6 pt, Ole Miss wins – They lost to Memphis after losing their best defensive player in first half, if he plays rest of the season and they win out he ought be number 1 pick in draft – no questions asked.

5 pt, ND wins – ok seriously too often jackass creeps with lots of money and/or power never get brought to justice for what they do and likely Mr. It takes the drink with the pillz so I can give her my pudding pop is in that same boat with his apparently decades long rape habits. So the only solace we can get is that his beloved owls are finally on the national college football scene and ain’t no way espn gonna let him within 100 court ordered feet of the gameday set! As for the game, well it’s been nice Temple, but come on, you're playing the og’s of sexual assault cover up, so lets just move you to some Alaskan parish where nobody will hear your screams! Don’t you just love religion? I joked when ND was bad that touchdown jesus was fg jesus, but that sad truth is it really stands for please help jesus.

4 pt, Tenn wins – I really wanted to put this higher in my confidence cause I truly feel the vols are close to being back or at least on the right track and damn if they aren’t a few plays from being undefeated, but sadly this is type of game where all that so close against the big boys/wait till next year talk can turn into oh no they are still awful and that is how bad programs stay bad talk with a road choke to a team they are clearly better than.

3 pt, Duke wins – Come on Duke don’t let the fighting Munish’s go all ‘win one for the little drummer boy’. I mean the canes just suck and I think the administration is a little gun shy to hire a coach that will win the only way that school has or ever will win – by cheating cheating cheating.

2 pt, Pitt wins – what dumb fuck picked these games? I mean fuck me who cares about these teams, this game, fuck. And to boot, I’m picking both the ranked teams in the two Thursday night games to win, breaking my own fucking rule “thurs night, where ranked teams go to die”. I’m just stupid and asking for punishment.

1 pt, Fla wins – the largest outdoor bitch fest in the world. Boo hoo, we aren’t smart enough to fire the Cooper of the SEC, oh yeah well Boo hoo our qb got caught taking she-hulk pills. Anyone that has this game anywhere but the 1pt slot is sniffing glue cause you can never tell what will happen in this battle of the trailer park family fued game.

Okie dokie, enjoy the buckeye bye week, I surely will, and then it’s on to November where legends are made!!

wk 8 cfb

Wk 8 already eh? I’ve been sitting here for about 5 minutes just kind of stuck. Writers block is rarely if ever an issue for me, good writing block happens all the time, but to just not have anything snarky, olie stone paranoid, angry or down right teen angst-ish to say is remarkably rare for me.

I guess I could go on and on about how I’m so puckered about the last game of the season I’m making a million dollar diamond in my shorts right now, but got to save that for thanksgiving.

I could get all lathered up in some Kirk Ferentz hate, but I’d like to be in my 40’s before I have my first heart attack (hey look at me being optimistic and saying first not only).

Hmmm, well lets just say last week was a great lineup of games and this weeks games, well they ‘chrome the knob’ if ya catch my drift.

Here goes nothing…

10 pt, Okla wins – Stoopes, I swear to jebus you better not pull no red river shootout bs at home against the fighting David Koresh’s!!

9 pt, OSU wins – All I can say in the wake of all the middle age hard-on’s walking around JT jerking their happiness is – be careful what you wish for… Now I love JT, I just also love Cardale and do I think Cardale is playing great or the offense is good right now – NO! But, I believe Cardale is the more talented player and whatever is wrong isn’t only him. Now I hope this change is the key that flips the switch and takes us to 50+ every game land, but I know this – come those last two games and if we are lucky enough to take care of business, the playoffs, you gonna need to throw the rock effectively. We shall see, I mean first start of the season in mob-land, with a double digit spread – what could go wrong?

8 pt, Clemson wins – Dammit Yahoo Sweney or whatever in the name of Les Miles your crazy ass name is – I hate your school because of something that happened when I was less than a month old/mental illness, but seriously if you don’t find a way to win out and make the playoff’s this year then ‘clemonsoning’ is a real thing.

7 pt, Utah wins – FIRST TIME EVER A TOP 3 TEAM HAS BEEN UNDERDOG TO AN UNRANKED TEAM. Vegas don’t do crazy so this means they have no action at all on fighting betty ford’s now and are trying to create something or they know something we don’t. All I know is they scored more (save the punt) than any other team has/had this season on the D up north. That ain’t no joke.

6 pt, L’ville wins – purely on pt spread and home field, so likely to fuck me! Recruiting trips gonna be lame now.

5 pt, Wisky wins – got nothing

4 pt, Texas wins – Soft butter grim reaper and Charlie Strong pregame photo will look like a Owner/Slave Halloween costume winner picture!!

3 pt, UCLA wins – any other week this would be my 1 pt game, but this week is so shitty there are 2 other games that have me scratching my head even more that this game. Got to hope some home cooking helps the frosh qb and the gimp defense get some grove back.

2 pt, ECU wins – Going with the Thursday nights is where ranked teams go to die theory on this and next game and taking home teams to pull the minor upsets.

1 pt, Utah St wins – unless we start doing our 10 picks for best ever Playboy college skanks editions, SDSU should NEVER  be in our picks – EVER!! Ok, well maybe in a shit week like this weeks schedule, but still.

Hey El Prez, and yes I’m bias here, but how bout we tell people no picks this week and make this a bye week? Rest up, recoup and get back to the hard work next week with some big time match ups?

Didn’t think so. 

wk 7 cfb picks

I almost wrote this yesterday after a pretty awful day and decided not to and that was probably for the best, well for the best that I didn’t say anything awful about someone that wishes things never changed or well that everyone acted like things never changed when it’s convenient for him, but I digress (aka will avoid that rant for my blood-pressure).

How is somebody supposed to even get to his picks done on a football week like this, first if you hire a guy that apparently enough people knew was a drunk, how can you fire him for being a drunk? Well, really you just kind of told everyone he was fired while he’s at Betty Ford (is there a Billy Carter rehab, gotta be more fun, right?) and hope that he’s sober enough to handle the news he’s never gonna be a major college head coach again –ever!! Then ole’ ball coach retired, er resigned, er said shit I suck guys and don’t want to put in the work to get better and he got a standing O from the press for it – what? Hell, I thought Charlie Strong would eventually get carried off the field at tejas, but I thought it would be a bad thing and possibly start a race riot!

Ok, here we go…

10 pt, LSU wins – Well this was my 5 pt win before fla lost their starting qb to Bond’s-pop’s and one of their starting db’s because he fired a shotgun in his pregnant girlfriends direction. I mean I played a lot of rock music when Callie was pregnant, so maybe this guy just wanted to give his future kid the sounds of his upbringing? Anyway, lsu should be favorite and win at home anyway, but now if they don’t well it’d be two weeks in a row of losing my 10 pt game inexplicably.

9 pt, OSU wins – I told my boss (who is like most buckeye fans it seems searching for the mystical answer to what is wrong) look, I’m not worried about anything but those last two games vs melting face and fighting make’s Mansion look sane!! Why? Can we not lose to pedi st? No, off course we could, we could turn the ball over and play like shit and lose, but guess what if we do then it probably won’t be our only loss and we’d have no shot at a repeat so it doesn’t matter. Oh and for what is wrong, well we don’t win every game 59-0 and sometimes 20yr old kids aren’t perfect!

8 pt, Mich wins – I will admit in years past (and I’m trying, successfully so far, to not do this anymore) that I very often would put that team up north high in my picks to win knowing full well they weren’t the better team and likely would not win just because I so badly wanted them to lose as they should have – then. Now, well now sadly they have a top 5 coach on par with Satan, Urban and Petey (yes I know he’s in the nfl now, but still) and they are playing frankly beyond their talent. I heard an nfl scout say that a good visit to a major college program would expect to see about 6-7 guys you would want to start or have a report on. He said mich has about 6-7 but mostly on defense and to compare he said elite programs (ie ohio st and bama) have 12-15 – this years buckeye’s he said 17 or 18 depending on who you ask. So harbum is curb stomping people with half the high end talent he will have in a few years – fuck! I expect by the end of sat’s game that the bags under Mark Dantonio’s eye’s will look like the most disturbing granny porn you could ever find! Now I’ll be honest and say I’ll be happy to be wrong and 1 or 2 injuries for mich could change things drastically as they don’t have depth, but I’m calling a 26-10 win.

7 pt, Ole wins – um yeah Memphis? I guess they are ok, but really ole miss beat bama right? In bama?

6 pt, ND wins- I was tempted to make this higher, but shit maybe sc will be better without Margarita Tuesday practices?

5 pt, Bama wins – not confident enough to make this higher but not only do I think bama will win, but look for another dominant win and a statement that Satan ain’t given up on running table winning SEC champ and getting in the playoff’s with one loss.

4 pt, Standford wins – so apparently losing 3 def players for the year and having a freshman qb aren’t great for winning, but damn Bruins you sure have fit the shan lately!!

3 pt, Okla wins – How much longer you think Bob can milk the 2000 championship? I mean losing to Boise St in a bowl game is one thing, but routinely Coopering away the tampon bowl to underwhelming (can you ever just be whelmed? Name that movie) tejas teams has got to be getting old in Norman?

2 pt, Aub wins - ???????????????????????????? Favorite line of fla qb ped scandal this week was some guy saying, so when will this kid transfer to Auburn for 250k and win a national title!!!

1 pt, Iowa wins – fucking really thought N’western would play mich really close and then go on to win l1ttle west with wisky and neb both down. And now after that beat down I got to question if Stan/Duke wins were not as good as previously thought or just good timing for n’west? Really this game is likely for the l1ttle west title and well since Iowa does have the 47 time l1ttle coach of the year look for a classic b1g bore fest hard fought victory of say 16-11. Hey on the upside I’m pretty sure no 4 will win l1ttle coach of the year award easier than picking out what color pants to wear.

Well that’s it for this week, oh and my fav ole ball coach quote when asked if he heard about a fire on Auburn’s campus library when at fla ‘… it’s just a shame because only 15 of the 20 books have been colored in so far’ – Oh Steve you will be missed, but like a good catholic boy you always knew when to pull out!! Someone ought to punt on 3^rd down this week in his honor!!

wk 6 cfb

After last years Indiana games the most common comments on social media/fan sites were:

No playoff’s now, we need style points, fire Fickle and have him take Ash with him and my favorite – How is this Herman guy a genius? this offense sucks!

Damn buckeye nation we are a spoiled bunch, am I happy? No! Am I nervous, not about the next few games, but looking at that last game of the season – yes! But I’d be nervous about that game if we were winning all these 59-0. I’m not saying they don’t have stuff to work on, but coaching staff has fairly good track record and they have the talent, so let’s hope they get it figured out whilst playing the l1ttle’s of our conference and are ready for the b1g’s! Oh and maybe they buy some fucking stickem for the hands/gloves!

10 pt, okla win – the only thing that could possibly save Charlie Strong’s job is winning this game and well, Elvis (young skinny Elvis, not fat bout to mama cass elvis) had 4 of the top 5 songs in the country last time Texas started 1-4, which they are now and looking at 1-5 after sooners pull the tampon on this red river shootout!!

9 pt, LSU win – I had this as 9 pt game before it was possibly going to be moved to baton rouge, can I have two 10 pt games and just pass on my 1 pt game?

8 pt, Mich win – I really like N’western and think they have a real shot at winning big west, but I don’t see anyone going into the khaki house and beating Jim with defense, look for a 16-0 win.

7 pt, TCU win – was surprised pt spread was under 9 on this game, so moved this down a pt under mich/nw game, something off, but don’t see Baylor/okla/tcu losing to anyone but themselves and hoping they all get one loss in the 3 way and knock out the big 12/10/8 of the playoff’s again this year.

6 pt, WV win - this is game most likely to have me steaming mad on Saturday, but damn it wvu, your at home and ok st ain’t that good now lets make some couch burning, second cousin bare backin, skeet skeeting plays!!!

5 pt, Fla win – Gators back or SEC going to devour itself in the regular season, I’m leaning towards Gator being close to back, actually have a decent offense again (their defense never really got bad, just no no no offense).

4 pt, Penn St win – Really thought about going with Indiana, but generally speaking (as vatech last two years) week after teams get up to play their best against us, they have a let down and frankly are beat up, look for same on early noon game in boring valley and Penn St to pass enough and play defense well enough to get the W. - or for Indiana to hammer them and score at will.

3 pt, Tenn win – I’d really like to make next 3 games all 1 pt games, damn the John Cooper of the SEC went full Citrus bowl last week against bama!! Now remember Tenn blew 13 pt leads in the 4^th quarter against both Oklahoma and Florida (in the swamp) or we’d be saying what in the name of Phillip Fulmer is going on in Knoxville this year? Me thinks they finally get a ‘big’ win at home and Mark Richt gets a contract extension.

2 pt, Vatech win – I got nothing

1 pt, Uconn win – no shitting you UCF is a 2.5 pt FAVORITE  in this game and they are 0-5!! What? That either means Uconn is a terrible 2 win team or vegas is trying to get more money bet on this game or they have insider information that Uconn flew down a crate of condoms to prepare for their teams beach time in whore’ville fla before the game? I have no idea, just weird an 0-5 team being a 2.5pt favorite even if they are at home.

Welp there it is, oh and 1 more thing on the buckeyes – if we don’t curb stomp Maryland like Rosie Odonnel would a mouthy twink this weekend then forget everything I said and start to shit bricks buckeye fans!!!