wk 3 cfb picks

Yes I took a week off, too busy last week, but back at it this week...

Let’s see in high school a one armed kid is about to set school records for receiving, in college a blind kid is going to snap for the condoms and in the pro’s the shitbowl’s are going to start a fucking midget! Way things are going the front runners for president will be an unbearable blowhard with roadkill hair and a women’s right view written by the creators of Mad Men vs a very qualified but impossibly unlikeable cunt! Oh wait, shit, fuck we are so screwed. Oh well, we have football Saturday’s and birthday bj’s to make the other 350 days sufferable.

Before I get to picks, let me know I’m trying to unbuckeye myself on picks and just play the sheets, but again I’m tempted to send El Prez a Edward Snowden pile of stats for the Buckeye game being in the picks this week – what didn’t Fresno St play Cal Poly or something better? Jebus these mac schools scare me, ask Bert ‘making them wish they had John L. Smith back’ Beilama!!

10 pt – Bucks win, it’s still a 34.5 favorite and we are mostly nervous because we only won 38-0 last week so trying not to be all me about this and just trust in Vegas. You know cause that works out so well for people usually!

9 pt – UCLA win, every time we have a BYU game I think – if your religion requires magic underwear and you have an accidental shart – is that blasphemy?

8 pt – Bama win, those missisisisosiisppisispi schools still trying to pretend like they are the new big boys of the SEC or they get back in their wisky/penn st/sparty place?

7 pt – So Cal win, listen you fine little stuck up white sweater wearing cheerleaders at condom U – you get out there sat night and you take on for the team and give that badass blind long snapper some sweet 20 something snapper! Dude can’t see and he is going to snap a ball and hope the other team doesn’t forget he’s blind and hit him like a kid trick-or-treating in Joseph Albert Belle’s neighborhood!! (Too Soon?)

6 pt – LSU win, crazy grass eating Les has a rb that is starting to live up to recruiting hype.

5 pt – Free Shoe win, I love me some Zeke and wouldn’t trade him for anyone, but  kid for the Seminoles is a very very close second – beast!!!

4 pt – GaTech win, 5 FIVE CINCO 5 starters lost for season in 2 games for the domers!! Christ is God a protestant or something?

3 pt – Clemson win, talk about the never get over the hump/live up to hype expectations bowl. I mean I wanted to put clem as like a 7 pt win here because L’ville no Bueno at all, but you don’t put clem that high on a road game.

2 pt – Fla win, Kent ok for a change, but gators got a coach that I think will get things back to where they are used to being, we will see. If so these are the teams that should be relatively easy wins.

1 pt – NW win, could NW win the l1ttle west and be in the b1g championship game? Me thinks they could and so far they have looked very good. A win at Duke would be a surprisingly good win. That’s right Duke is kind of like 3^rd or 4^th best football program in the ACC right now (well if you count ND as an independent).

Ok, that’s it for the week here’s to my dad going perfect in back to back weeks and El Prez putting the buckeye v w mich game in the picks again next week, both of which I never thought I’d see, but happened this week so why not next?

Wk 1 cfb 2015 picks!!

Where to start where to start, well I haven’t blogged shit since the last week of the cfb 2014 regular season/conf championship games? Damn I’m either lazy, busy or uninspired? Probably all 3 at some point, real truth is working in front of computer all day makes coming home and getting on computer not that much fun and playing with a 2/3 yr old is fun – well when they aren’t being a shit head. 

Sad truth is lately I’ve been trying to figure out the Trump Trivia Challenge – when he says he’s going to get rid of all the illegals, does he mean Mexicans (like most racist conservatives) or any Non Native American’s (because he secretly does have a knowledge of history)? I mean I’m not sure where they’d send me, but Christ my liver and stomach ain’t ready for warm beer and sheep stomach stew (remember ladies, the kilt is just about speed in a time of shitting need).

            EL PREZ THIS IS WHERE THE POLITICS ENDS, SKIP TO HERE!!!

Shit I thought I was pretty creative with my ‘what if’ scenario for the first ever playoff in college football, but proof that life is always stranger than fiction need look no further for the best example I can remember in my sports history! The 2002 team will always be special beyond any other because it popped my cherry after way to many sluty teases that never put out in my teen years (yes I’m talking football still). And like most people it was sloppy, not pretty and all over the place, but it got done and after that little taste you only wanted more!! (not bad enough to be Cosby’in chicks but pretty bad). Then you almost get the super model on vacation in Italy (2006) but she has that one drink too many before you leave and you end up with blue balls and vomit all over your shoes. Then the next year you accidentally end up in the wrong room at a frat party with the hot easy Tri Pi that thinks you’re her boyfriend and wants some, only to finish in your pants the second she takes her top off and you just say sorry and leave the room. Then you quit trying for awhile or just concentrate on the 5 two’s are a 10 rule. But one day, swagger comes into your life through chance or timing or enough tattoo’s that people know not to get in your way? Anyhow, you got all it takes and you start thinking I got a plan to go get me a real winner, then the first girl you talk to smacks you in the face, but this is the new you and on you go, make some moves looking good avoiding ‘the friend’ and swatting away any “I’m just here to relax” lines and don’t you know it if you don’t bump into a straight out 10 – a LA to NY runway 10 and she’s got the Long Island Ice Tea smile (Saban) so you take your shot and raw dawg that up and down with everything you’ve ever learned from the internet till she’s back in ma and pa’s trailer with a fly net helmet and a look like how’d that happen!! Then all that is left to do is light up a grit and smoke some duck and enjoy the most full filling season in Buckeye history!! (I’m not sure any of that made sense, but shit I’m almost in tears of joy writing it – cause it happened and to cap teeth tan boy non-the less!!)

Ok, my playoff pics for bonus points –

Ohis St – I mean come on, I’m not saying this is a shoe in like rest of the country, but it is the most likely coming of last year with our talent and our schedule.

TCU – I’ve seen trendy pick is Oklahoma, but man Stoopes get a lot of passes on kind of Coopering some teams in to mediocrity because he got over in 2000. I don’t know, kind of think that Boykin kid will just be more unstoppable than he was last year.

Bama – look we got over on Nikki last year and it was great, but we are doing it cause Urban recruits on level of Nikki and Bama ain’t gonna disappear because of a “bad” season where they “only” went to the playoff semi’s. Listen I hope I’m wrong on this one and they go down wk 1 to B1G and wisky, but they won’t and I kind of don’t want them to cause I like the Bucks being the only on in the L1ttle that can keep up with the SEC. I mean in life Gordon Gecko’s are dicks, but in sports – Fuck Yeah Greed is Good!! Someone should tell the fucking Browns!! Or they can just keep visiting the trophies on the annual trip to three rivers to get beat down by Rapelisburger.

FSU – Ole baseball adage is ‘if you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin’, well my football version is if you ain’t got a few thugs you ain’t got lots of talent. Free Shoe’s U understands this more than most and Jimbo still got him loads of Crab Legs are better when they’re free talent, plus a guy who took ND to the championship game a mere 3 seasons ago before well cheating- I mean fuck he ought be perfect in the south right?

So on to week 1…

10 pt win, Bama – now I lied to a few people and said this was going to be the fighting Harbum’s for the win at 10 because I believe/fear/respect that as bat shit crazy as he is, he WILL turn that program around and sooner than most think (that defense is actually pretty loaded, just the offense is a question because Hoke must have ate any good qb’s they recruited?), but I could not make them my 10 pt winner for wk 1 on the road, just because I fear what he will be able to do in the future. I still will have them as upset pick, but in a more Vegas minded manner. As for Bama,  see what they’ve done in these type of games previously and throw in that wisky has new coach, lost stud rb and bama has got to be butt hurt cranky over last season.

9 pt win, tcu – I’ll likely be cursing defending B1G coach of the year (no I will not get over buckeye coaches getting snubbed for that meaningless award, I want to win even the shitty awards – fuck Kirk Ferentz) when they pull the biggest early season win the l1ttle has had in a long time, but I really don’t think so and nobody else does.

8 pt win, boise st – how in the name of Napoleon Kauffman can the huskies not get it turned around? Beats me? Why won’t Boise St go away? Wish that Peterson dude would get hired by a pac 22 (or however many teams they have now) school like uw and kill two birds with one stone.

7 pt win, Auburn – Was real close to picking them in my playoff 4 instead of bama with home field for the Iron bowl this year, but not sold on their defense being ready for SEC yet.

6 pt win, ucla – they better, I mean the hooves gonna be tired from whatever the medical term is for pussy chasing exhaustion by kickoff in westwood.

5 pt win, Stanford – Speilman said on radio this week he was picking the tree’s to make the playoff’s this year, I know Will Smith has moving coming out about the concussion doctor trying to find test for whatever that brain damage stuff is that makes some former football players cliff dive without parachutes and stuff, but shit picking Stanford might be the first sign? Or he is a genius, only time will tell.

4 pt win, ND – thought about them in playoff, but schedule is hard and until I see their QB play mistake free, just not sure. Now if they can get the talent at qb to play mistake free then watch out they will definitely have a shot at running the regular season, Kelly has recruited very well.

3 pt win, Nebraska – Just getting rid of Special Needs Opie Griffith ought make them better right? How’d a guy that coached up those LSU defense’s forget everything he ever knew about defense just because he became a head coach?

2 pt win, Asu – Again a former buckeye with a head scratcher as Herbie put the Sun Devils in his playoff 4 this year, Did Jake the Snake get another year of eligibility?

1 pt win, That Bum Up North – I mean logically I know that them being better/good is better/good for us (especially if we still beat them), but I’m sorry I still need 10 years of whopping to get healed from my Cooper years and work on a nice in my lifetime record cushioning. My biggest concern is unlike the pro’s where you can coach guys for 10 or more years, in college Jim’s antics aren’t going to wear thin, because by time a player matures enough to not need that intensity they leave and new blood arrives. I can only hope his desire to win what his brother already has pulls him back to the NFL someday. In the mean time, I think Sparty, Pedi St, wisky and the not so black shirts should be on notice – The Big 2 and Little 8 (well 12 I guess) is being reborn circa 2015 (ok well probably starting next yr, cause I’m not sure even Harbum can whip Shane Morris or whomever into a championship qb).

Well crap, someone get that girl a warm towel and he’s not that ugly pep talk, cause I’m finished and that was fun/messy!!

Hoping this is the year my picks go JT and Cardale, just keeping me close till the end when I can shine on the big stage!!

Go Bucks!!

Last week of CFB 2014 picks

Well another year has past, another season Dave has fun (and is a dick that will refer to himself in the third person) and finishes middle of the pack. Sadly time and responsibility (yuk!!) have kept me from giving my in depth prognostications for a few weeks now, but lets see if we can go out on a bang! (Phrasing! Boom! Nailed it!)

Ok, first my never gonna happen, doesn't match my picks, totally wild playoff, watch Ann Arbor burn playoff prediction...

Bama gets upset by Mizzu but in an ugly neither of these teams deserve to be in a playoff game. Then RichRod beats (again) team Nike, then FSU beats GaTech in an ugly come from behind look like crap game (like a lot of their games this season) and finally 'they don't bring us here to play school' finds his inner bowl game Pryor and runs/throws and helps Bucks dominate the badgers! What would you see the committee do? No 1 TCU vs No 4 FSU in the Sugar Bowl and No 2 Arizona vs No 3 OSU in the Rose Bowl! Buckeyes vs RichRod for a spot in the National title game being played in the Rose Bowl as nerves and Budweiser Ray Rice the fuck out of El Prez's liver!! Now that would be some crazy shit!!

But that ain't gonna happen!!

So what will?...

10 pts - TCU takes Iowa St and tries to be the first modern era team to score 100 pts in an effort to say 'please committee don't remember that we are in a crap conference with no championship game'

9 pts - Bama beats the 2nd place team in the SEC west, cause remember Indiana won the SEC west with one very very embarrassing loss for 'SEC Speed'. Seriously Saban will flat kill Kiffin if they don't score 50+ in this game. Let me help Mizzu a bit - FUCKING COVER ARMANI COOPER

8 pts - Baylor beats K St but only because they are at home and no where never impressive enough to get into the playoffs.

7 pts - Marshall didn't go undefeated, but they'll be LaTech, I think, who knows? All I know is Marshall had a movie about their plane crash and Jim Croce died in a plane crash in Louisana. Frankly I love Jim Croce, they should have made a movie about him and his awesome mustache! And I got me a Roller Derby Mama!!

6 pts - Okla be ok st and nobody cares, I mean nobody!!

5 pts - ECU beats UCF because ECU is awesome, I mean they beat VaTech and VaTech is an underrated football team that had a rocky middle of their season, but that people really should consider very talented and NOT AT ALL A BAD LOSS!! Hem Hem, holy shit, sorry I was possessed by Lou Holtz for a minute, thankfully I don't type with a lisp!! Go Bucks!!

4 pts - BGSU beats N. Ill because well I was a Falcon for a little bit and well, every time I went to Detroit or Windsor while there everything I can remember was fucking epic!!

3 pts - RichRod says nigga please to Oregon and reminds them who invented winning with screen passes and almost no defense at all!! (And I can say  that word cause I grew up in the 90's/tan easily/and my wife is from a small town so racist that she was called the real version of that word as a kid for having a good tan - and that last part is true as anything I've ever said on this blog)

2 pts - GaTech finally F's those pricks in there P's and bail's out FSU's joke of a 'honor' policy by beating FSU on the field days before a decision is announced and thus allowing the school to 'up hold it's proud traditions and high standards blah blah blah' hey FSU - I heard Temple just released Cosby from his official duties (duties in the FSU blast? Phrasing! Boom! Nailed it! that's no 2...No 2!!) so why'd don't you see if he wants to come on board? "It puts the ruffy pill in her drink and ... mmm popping pudding ya'll"

1 pt - Bucks beat Wisky, cause dammit I just can't pick them, really 5 yrs of BigTen championship game and we might have it dominated solely by Badgers and Spartans? Fuck that shit, our offensive line is going man up and we are going to run baby run! They might call us Lola by end of the game (anyone get that movie reference?) Or we will get Biakabatuka'd by Gordon and he'll get the Heisman, which will suck but will at least keep Archie as the only 2 time winner. No matter what though (and I asked el prez to remind me of this sat night) we won the only game that matters to me and because of my teenage years will always matter no matter how many swings and misses that school up north takes on the coaching staff.

Ok, that's best I got till bowl names season in a few weeks, hope everyone had a nice 'give us your land and take this booze' day and an even better 'so he's got to pay for that kids entire childhood expenses and his wife is still a virgin?' day!

Veep, El Prez - HELP I HEAR A BUS AND SEE RED LIGHTS!!

wk 8 ? picks

So many bye weeks for ohio state already that i've lost track of what fricking week it is, i think 8?

Anyway, I know this, fucking big12 teams with 2td leads and under 10 minutes to play can NOT win the game. I mean I know I can be a bit of a grumudgin, but for fucks sake tejas tech - you were at home with 7:52 in the game when cousin breeders got the ball down 2 scores and lost in REGULATION!!  So now i'm 15 points out of first instead of 5 or 6, I didn't actually figure the numbers just a guestimate.

Ok, this week truly will be short as I actually want most of these picks to be wrong to help the buckeyes who no doubt will probably lose to st U of Jersey and make it meaningless anyway, but oh what might be if this offense can start doing this against better defenses - as always we shall see.

10 pts - Put a gag in her and she can't say no state wins, over - are you kidding me we invented sex crimes golden showers or domers? Interesting stat - ND is 4-0-2 all time against defending National Champion still ranked first following year when domers come to play so...

9 pts - Baylor wins, fuck you west virginia you suck and Baylor is not going to stop scoring like tech did.

8 pts - Oklahoma wins, good things k state isn't a rival or sooners might play awful and keep it close like they did last week.

7 pts - Stan wins,  why do I have this so high, I don't think i've picked a 7 pointer right all season, ok well I have, but damn please beat the sun devils tree boys please.

6 pts - Clemson wins, do we have someone in the league that went to BC? How do there boring as games keep getting in picks each year, oh cause they are great picks cause who the fuck knows what will happen?

5 pts - Nebraska wins, fuck you Bo if you can't beat gothic barney state.

4 pts - Uga wins, over Karma Bret, talk about battle over the overrated blowhard coaches!!

3 pts - Maryland wins, over Ferentz - don't forget when picking ferentz has the chance of winning anything that actually means anything out of the way so his teams are free to play well and beat teams they shouldn't now - tread lightly, very lightly.

2 pts - Or st wins, over utah, thursday night games are a crap shoot.

1 pt - Ok st wins, over tcu, ya know if ok st wins out their only loss would be to 'fuck her in the pussy' st. That's puts them square in the teams still with a shot at the playoffs that could have names that would make people go huh?

Well there it is, look for me to be 30+ pts out after this week with those picks, I really have no confidence in them, hope for a miracle I guess.

wk 7 cfb picks

How can you have writers block when your only writing is meaningless rants about sports in a pointless attempt to be both funny and nostradoumsly? What's my motivation? Who could possibly have insights into how these teams will play week in and week out? It's f-ing madness, MADNESS!! A first playoff ever with Arizona/Baylor/Miss St and Ga Tech is possible!! This week Penn St plays TUN with a 2pt spread and it did NOT I SAY NOT make our top 10 games this week and it shouldn't have, wtf is happening in cfb?! Well whatever, grip it and rip it baby, here goes nothing...

10 pts - bama wins (over the karma's a bitch Brett), if Saban losses 2 straight and the second being to a Beilama coached team look for Kiffin to get 'skull fucked' on live tv cause the best part of Brett definitely ran down the crack of his mommy's ass!!

9 pts - Okla wins (over the long-face-horns), not much of a red river shootout this year me thinks, but who knows?

8 pts - Baylor wins (over could tcu make the playoffs?), remember when baylor athletes had to kill each other to make the news? Well now I guess they're a real contender? weird

side note every game here on should be a god damn 1 pt game! F me these are tricky!

7 pts - Uga wins (over they lost to indiana), THEY LOST AT HOME TO THE FIGHTING CORSO'S!!

6 pts - Oregon wins (over the love those white sweater tops), no reason no reason no reason, so why so high? gut feeling I guess.

5 pts - UCF wins (over the fighting magic undies), fuck UCF could get in the playoff? Well some day when they get in a power 5 conference.

4 pts - S cal wins (over you hear that laugh ann arbor? oh he's a smug little prick and he's laughing right now), but it can't last, hail mary's and mighty upsets can't keep happening and when they lose the pac 14 will be out of the playoff picture and possibly bring back the litt1e small chance.

3 pts - textech wins (over my cousin purty mouth st), looking for td's and offense, this is your ole special this weekend, look for a 69-61 type game.

2 pts - A&M wins (over 2 two dos 2 II seriously he won 2 superbowls and they sucked when he was there), mississippippisiipspsi can't really both be this good at once? I know one of them is going down this weekend, so i'm going to make them my 1/2 pt games and hope i'm right.

1 pt - Auburn wins (over the other one), I'm starting to believe Auburn is best team in the country which means they will likely lose sat, so 1 pt game.

Well there's my nothingness, not very strong/long this week, but I got it done with a mindful of mush thanks to work. Maybe also because buckeyes are on bye (again)? Who knows, next week i'll try try again, until then lets see if cfb top 20 teams run scared like the draft was reinstated and Canada started looking nice again, eh?

wk 6 picks

I don't know if it's because I'm close to the top or because games are better or because I'm over thinking it, but damn these games feel way more difficult this season. I'm fairly sure this week will separate the pack and I really hope I find a way to stay at the top...

10 pts - Clemson wins (over the fighting Joe Pesci's, ok he's not the coach anymore but...), ok I want to say this is the freebie game based on the points spread, but I feel I'm being set up for a big loss here. Why? Well I always say the fake big programs (i.e. Vatech and Clemson which yes we've lost to in under 1 yr - yay!) brag about wins that look good on paper, but are meaningless because they don't ever get over the top and have great seasons (again Vatech and Clemson). So, Clemson is a 16.5pt fav at home over a team that shot their pigskin load to try and get schools biggest win over the famouisless fighting 'fuck her in the pussy''s and still lost. Thus they should redtube them over a chair and go to town, but they'll probably ball up in the corner and cry like Bo Pelini after his kitty cat dies.

9 pts - Bama wins (over the fighting Eli Manning's), S A B A N! Nuff Said (I hate him, but I'd let his fake capped teeth and whore wife move into Muirfield and coach the buckeye's in a second)

8 pts - Sparty wins (over the some sort of ugly playdoh red-shirts), I don't care if they let all 72 of Abdullah's future virgins come down from heaven and perform 'candle dances' on the sparty sideline during the game they ain't running rough shot on a Dantonio defense! The droopey dog of the litt1e doesn't sleep on game weeks like this! Tressel ball is alive and well in east lansing. Oh and if sparty does german porn gag this game away then whatever tiny tiny tiny chance the litt1e had of getting a team in the first cfb playoff is O V E R!!

7 pts - Auburn wins (over fighting grass eatin mad-hater's), early in the week I was going to pick lsu because well lsu has owned war eagle lately, but they are a defensive football team first and the defense has really struggled with running qb's (or safeties play qb in wisc case) this year and Auburn has one of the best dual threat (triple if you include minor crimes) qb's, Good ole Les is going true frosh qb this week (on the road in the sec for first game) because he's worried about needing to score.

6 pts - Nd wins (over the can we get in the Harbaugh back to college talk), our father who be chillin in heaven, gives us this day our daily Gohlston, forgive him his cheating, thy winnings come on the field as not in the classroom... the coach, the team, the most important player - Amen!

5 pts - Bucks win (over the how and the F did we end up playing in Maryland twice this year, hope the boys don't get herps from the terps), I just can't get comfortable picking this time higher. The point spread says we should be the 9 pt game this week, but our defense and the I'm not totally buying offense won't make mistakes combine to make me think we should win easily all our remaining games save sparty, but damn I just don't know! I really hope to keep seeing the offensive line getting better because the skill talent is definitely there and damn straight JT has game (maybe not Braxton's but maybe better in some ways).

4 pts - S Cal wins (over the fighting Plummers), sorry just had a David Boston moment... suck it Jake the garden snake! Ok, flashback over - Cooper!! Um yeah, I don't know, Trojans at home/better and actually a big favorite, well this week big (7.5).

3 pts - A&M wins (over the how do they actually have two universities in Mississisisisissispppiippi? St), pass offense vs great defense go with home team right? well not me this week, but only 3 pt game so... plus ask any browns fan how good that a&m offense scheme is - it suckered us into drafting Johnny football. ok, in fairness most of that is on us having a horrible front office taking direction from our crazy owner, but still...

2 pts - SDSU wins (over the fighting Fast and Furious's), how is fresno this or anytime of year? Eh, who knows, I'd like to ban non-pac14 California games from being in the picks! I mean unless Marshal Faulk Jr. is playing at SDSU I don't know and I don't care. If I was 20 single and in San Diego I wouldn't know what pigskin is! Lambskin or Latex Yes!!

1 pt - St U of NJ wins (over the he's already dead so stop trying to kill Coach Bo!), where to begin where to begin? The poor attendance, the poor play, the poor 'communication', the epic ticket promotions, the fact that most former players want nothing to do with program over feeling slighted and unappreciated? My good friend and suffering (but still staying strong with his colors) TUN fan Slackman brought interesting ? up - how would I be if bucks were in same situation (because most buckeye fans including me that bemoan struggles of the cooper years know it was bj's and draft beer compared to what the winged helmets are going through)? Well let me paint a picture - Have you ever seen a fat man with anger issues after cooking pizza with pot-butter and sprinkling acid laced red pepper flakes all over and then free-basing it? NOT GOOD NOT GOOD!! I pray it never happens, but probably why it has fascinated me so it because if it can happen there it can happen anywhere! We could have gone Mason to Zook instead of Tressel to Meyer!! Oh god where's that pizza!!

So there it is another week another rant of undecipherable goobly gook non-sense from a deranged man that is someone's father! Pray for my son, ok well send him well wishes, I'd rather the boogey man in the sky focus all his/her infinite power on keeping Ebola in Africa! What? It's where? We didn't stop daily flight's from west Africa until this was cleared up? Ohhh, thanks government! On top of things as usual!

Is there a Pulitzer prize for sarcasm? Boom goes the dynamite!!