College Football picks Week 1

Another season of college football is upon us – finally!! Everyone kept saying we wouldn’t have a season, but not me – I knew they would get a financial agreement worked out and make sure those top athletes (and sometimes fathers) would continue to get paid.  Just kidding, sort of… Ok, on to serious business, my picks. By serious I mean seriously bad. You would think someone who grew up playing football and was fairly good, might be able to pick a little better? I don’t expect to win every week or year, but maybe just one week would make me not feel like richrod of college pick’em! I’m good at fantasy nascar and I’ve never driven over 75mph – love you mom J - ok 125, but still I gotta do better this year or I won’t be able to look myself in the mirror!! Ok, I don’t look in the mirror anyway, which is obvious if you saw me heading out the door to work, but ya’ll know what I mean.

Ok, I went back and added this – if your name is not el prez or v.p./aka slackman, just skip this next paragraph. It has nothing to do with my picks and is totally odd rambling thought from some stupid thing I heard today and I am really only trying to make their sick minds chuckle…

One quick side note (those that know me know quick is used loosely) before I finally stop yammering and get to the picks, and it is not really football related or anything related to football, but I did make it into a football analogy. This guy on radio was talking about his kid going off to college and how he had a more serious ‘birds and bee’s’ talk with him, because this guy wants him to be safe when he’s out at the bar trying to ‘hook up’. Frankly the way this guy was talking, if his kid is like pops – the kid is safe!! Anyway, I thought (because I’ve tricked myself into thinking I’m funny) I could help! First, and really this should be obvious, but if its 2am sat morning and some girl says “sure dude I just met, lets role back to your pad and throw down”, probably not her first rodeo – stud!! I mean maybe you are the next John Stamos, but most likely you’re the guy that seems most sober enough to drive or that didn’t completely offend her with a cheesy pickup line – either way, get a poncho cause you are not the first person to sail her boat. Finally, the football analogy… you must tell young dudes to pretend that the girl’s business is Alameda County Stadium (now overstock.com stadium or something)… his business is the visiting team and the diseases are raider fan!! If he doesn’t take protection with him after that analogy – all hope is lost for the young man. Sorry, that seems more vulgar than I thought it would, ehh I’ll add a disclaimer at the beginning…

On to actual football…

10 pt game – Trojans win, if goldie gopher does SC in so cal, nope I’ve thought about it all damn day and still can’t think of what it would be like! Nothing, it actually has made my head hurt, last time I had a headache this bad…..?... First time I saw Jimmy Johnson’s Extenze commercial and pondered that visual image for a half second, then cried for 3 hrs. and tried to drink enough to erase the image from my brain. Clearly it didn’t work, damn commercials!

9 pt game – Golden Domers win, that’s right I’m picking field goal Jesus to finally raise those hands for td’s again on a regular basis. I married in to some Irish peeps and for their sake I’m actually pulling for ‘we wanna play by our selves U’ to stir up those to echoes once more. Lets face it, even if you hate them it is more fun to hate them when they are good enough to hate.

8 pt game – Game-Cocks win, here is one you have heard before… this is the year the ole ball coach reigns again atop the mighty SEC in rasictville – that’s right S Car, get a new flag already, your whole state disgusts me, you and Clemson play the inbred bowl every yr as far as I’m concerned – anyway, well if ole ball coach has them back then they ought be able to crush ecu.

7 pt game – Boise St wins, you know what the true brilliance of Boise St is? They identify paper tigers and shred them to pieces so we buy the hype. Really VaTech and Uga, they look like the top, play near the top, but really aren’t the top. Those 2 schools underachieve like - well like me – my first go around at college! In fairness to VaTech, they are best team in the ACC yr in yr out – which is about as impressive as being the best looking female smurf! [Who you looking at smurfette? ;-)]

6 pt game – Cal wins, I should research this game, but I don’t want to, so I will be foolish and say home team wins by sneaking special brownies into Fr st team dinner night before game.

5 pt game – tcu wins, Baylor had TWO, that’s right I said 2!! Players drafted in the first round of the NFL draft last yr!! As a browns fan I can tell you one of them is actually pretty damn good. Now if Baylor lost that kind of talent? Either they should not be so good this year or Texas A&M should shut up and let Baylor go to the SEC; I mean really Baylor has a history of scandal and weird shyte that fits the SEC perfect.

4 pt game – bruins wins, I picked Houston last yr and was burned and now I heard herbie say the bruins will surprise people this yr and I will probably be burned again, such is the life of a gambler. Ok, Callie is shaking her head at me as I sing the Gambler… I should stop.

3 pt game – ole miss wins, I have a plan to pick (almost always) the SEC with the hopes that it will likely get me a lot of points, but maybe will allow my jinx to hurt the SEC and they will be brought to their knee’s!! Well football wise, rest of the SEC students are already down on their knee’s!!

2 pt game – lsu wins, crazy Les gonna have that defense ready to stop the mighty Nike, ahh I mean Oregon offense? If Oregon can go into that stadium first game of year and drop 40-50 pts like they usually do, then look for the ducks to sail through Pac 12 and maybe win the national champ game this yr – maybe.

1 pt game – n’western wins, that’s right NW going on the road early to an almost Major Conference BC and winning. All with the power of Persa, dude is fun to watch, but this is only 1 pt confidence pick because not sure if he will actually play or not yet and if he doesn’t, they are probably doomed on the road.

So there you have it, week 1 picks are done, hope you enjoyed. In future weeks this will get less ‘Homerian’, not the Simpson, the poet – ehh, who the F am I kidding? If you are still reading this you are not likely to be picking up your copy of the Iliad next…

Good luck to all playing, to all that read this – hope you enjoyed feel free to pray for me, call and have me committed, or send money for therapy (and by therapy I mean Yueng Lueng!!) 

Finally and always Go Bucks!!!!!