CFB 2012 week 1 picks!!

It’s finally time for football season to start (and no the NFL preseason does not count, not even for degenerate gamblers) and I’m soooooo geeked!! In what seems to be a long long 4 days from now my son will get to see his first buckeye game and I don’t have the words to describe how cool that will be and how excited I am. Granted he probably doesn’t give a shit being he is only 2 and half weeks old, but still I’m excited enough for the both of us! Actually as I type this it occurs to me that if I get my wife to time the feeding just right, then he will quite literally give a shit!

If any of the very few people that read this rambling nonsense are worried that fatherhood has softened me and I won’t bring my normal vitriolic bile – fear not! I will try my best to offend someone, if not everyone! But be at ease that your body knows legit assault from just kinky four-play and will fight my evilness off for your own protection (at least that’s what I’ve heard from the Fourth Reich party).

So on to the season and the predictions…

First, I don’t normally do season long predictions, but I will give a few thoughts. One being that all those hoping the reign of SEC titles will end have to stomach the painful reality that the only real possibility of that happening is f-ing Condom U winning it all and frankly – puke my guts out! Second, hey badger fans, congrats you probably have a free pass to the conference championship game again and could win that for your shot at a third straight Rose bowl loss, you must be so proud!! I know the bucks lost a few BCS games (including the 2 Nat champ games in a row), but we did win 1 Nat champ and a bunch of other BCS – you just somehow get there with transfer QB’s and running up on crap teams (thus covering how you are against the mighty likes of TCU and Oregon – what a joke those are the powerhouse U’s that you have lost too) only to chode like Charlie Sheen in a whore house with a black Amex card. F U badger fan, you are the biggest piece of shit team in the Bigteneleventwelve, I dislike but respect team up north because they represent in the bowl games.  And for the doughboy I fear the most, after 1 year you have definitely brought the rivalry back, I’m Dan fucking Akroid and you are the Stay Puft Marshmallow man of my nightmares. I can only hope that Urban “Murray” and Braxton “Ernie Hudson” and Luke “Moranis” don’t cross their streams and put your fat arse back in the holding cell!! Hmmm, what else… oh Penn State people… Oh where to start? Well, your players are going to get their last names on the back of their jerseys for the first time ever. That’ll be nice, you know because none of the players with talent that you might actually have recognized will be around and none of the players coming in over the next few years will be house hold names either. You know what I find unjust about the punishment is that it will probably cause more damage than what I would have given you and it doesn’t fit the crime. The crime was a university/community wide problem of nobody NOBODY speaking up when they should have and stopping the Pedi-perv-asshole! Some how the football team got hit because JoePa didn’t do what he should have (which is a sad end to a great legacy, but the truth, you should have done something and ya know it Joe), but no one in the athletic department or the board or anyone that should/did know something - did anything and for that they should have received an Athletic department “death penalty” for a yr. or two. If anyone thinks I’m nuts on this check out what the university accreditation people are looking into and talking about, they get it and Penn stators that think the worst is here, might really feel bad if the school is no longer a university because of this nightmare. Money will probably prevent that from happening, but at least someone is talking about it.

Enough of that, on to the actual games…

What a good lot of games for opening weekend and by good lot I do mean I will most certainly suck and be close to last after week one of picks. Steve, can I get some sort of creative rant bonus point for each game I make you laugh? If you can’t beat them beg for help?!!

10 pts – ND wins, Wow, Catholics and Sailors in a Soccer stadium in Ireland? Did they start making beer in 2010 for this game? I’m fairly certain the Irish are actually good and not just hype good this year, but really News room sports departments looking for a good riot in the streets clip win with this game! How do you say couch burning in Gaelic?

9 pts – WVU wins, ok this will know doubt be a blowout, but the other options to replace this game on the picks were not good either and at least this is a rivalry. Plus it’s the mountaineers and you never know when they just throw a old fashion choke job out?!

8 pts – Bama wins, talk about a win win/lose lose game for me, I ‘Bowden’ level dislike Saban and well that other school isn’t on my xmas shopping list, so one of them is going lose and one will win, so I’ll be happy and sad no matter what. If ‘I’m faster than Bolt’ Robinson starts throwing the ball well enough for the winged helmet to actually win this game, then F us all, team up north is staring a Nat Champ straight in the pie hole and every fan of theirs will be praying to every God in the known universe for the health of speedy mini-mighty Denard.

7 pts – VaTech wins, I don’t know this game could be exciting but who cares, the ACC is just who cares? I mean other than the hooves of course, go UVA!!

6 pts – S. Car wins, so this is the year the old ball coach gets back to the top of the mountain? Maybe, but I’ve been burned before buying the hype on this team and I don’t know if they can stay healthy? A tough early road test for the old ball coach to see what they really have, over under on first qb switch of the season is Q3 of game 1, what’cha got?

5 pts – Clemson wins, apparently they have a bunch of really good wr’s and until Papa Newton has another kid to sell, Auburn is just back to being that other school that has a football team in Alabama. Still this is game I hope I’m wrong on the most, War Eagle!! (I don’t do rational thought, so I will never forget or forgive Clemson, I will always hate you!!)

4 pts – N’west wins, got to love this spunky little group of nerds and I think they will actually be better with the new QB this year. Plus that offense always seems to score; it’s the defense that usually lets them down. And if you have a shaky defense, come on the Cuse? Where better to heal than in we haven’t been worth a shit since Marvin and Donovan?

3 pts – Boise St wins, I hope I’m wrong on this for a bunch of reasons like Dantonio’s health and the Bigten’s rep, but damn if sparty isn’t the type of school to bite it at home and let Boise get more meaningless noise.

2 pts – BC wins, this is a pick’em game on gambling line and it should be. I have no idea on this one, so I’ll just go with the home team.

1 pt – Tenn wins, I read some about NCST being a surprise team this year, but I don’t know, Tenn is still in the SEC and still has a ton of talent. I also think they are more prepared for big game atmosphere and will have a home field type crowed in the Georgia dome. Having said that I made it my 1 point game because I don’t want to be the one asshole who didn’t hear about the up and coming wolfpack and lost 3 or 4 pts because of it.

So there it is, my first picks rant of the season! Man that was fun, I forget how great it is to just type randomly without stopping the flow of crazy and then go back and see what is what, I think I made a Ghostbusters analogy – awesome!!

Good luck to me and voodoo doll luck to the rest of you, I’ve got diapers and daycare to pay for, daddy needs to go 10 for 10 this week!!